While ageing is inevitable, getting old is not. We do not
have to turn into petrified zombies complaining about our aches and pains,
wandering around in a sort of daze, or relegated to the rocking chair. Now that many of us will live thirty
years longer than our grandparents, it’s important that we find meaning and
purpose in a time of life that was once viewed only with dread. The secret of
how to harvest riches during older age may be to realize a simple truth: that
we are not our bodies.
Many older people have experienced this puzzling
realization. From the outside looking in – from the face in the mirror – we see
an aging person; but we feel we are the
same as ever we have been. It’s a paradox that dramatizes the gap that exists
at every age between the way we perceive ourselves and how we are perceived by
others; as the poet W. B. Yeats wrote, “Only God, my dear, Could love you for
yourself alone and not for your yellow hair.”
We want to be known and loved for who we truly are, but who
are we really? In youth, our physical attributes tend to direct the storyline,
and so we embark on retirement with a habit of identifying with our yellow
hair, our golf score, our youthful figures. Alas, we soon discover we have set
ourselves up for terrible feelings of loss, as hair turns grey, figures grow
round and our golf score drops. Despair seems to lurk around every corner as we
encounter not only these physical losses but other losses as well – the loss of
partners, for example, and friends. To age is to endure the pangs of grief.
What on earth can be the point of it all?
Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, beloved guru of the age-ing tosage-ing movement, sees these losses or “diminishments” as an essential part of
the journey at this age.
I
believe that coming to terms with these diminishments is a major developmental
task of old age that helps awaken the elder state of consciousness, with its
promise of expanded mental potentials, spiritual renewal, and greater social
usefulness.
For him, new mental and spiritual powers become available to
us as we age, powers we can put into service for the good of others; that is
the purpose and the bounty of these extended years.
Herein lies the opportunity of older age. As the externals
begin to lose their dazzle, we may discover, by turning within, that great
reservoirs of deep spiritual wisdom become available to us. We may experience
what --- calls the “incandescence” of advanced age; the light of the inner
flame seems to grow more intense as our identification with the body begins to
release its hold. As we begin to realize that we are not the bodies, we
discover that we are, in essence, this bright flame. We have the capacity, when
tuning in to this essential nature, to discover with what is uniquely
ourselves, and allow it to radiate through our bodies. Its gentle warmth will
alleviate the body’s aches and pain, bolster our immune systems, and strengthen
our vitality. For as much as the body’s limitations can affect the spirit, the
spirit’s triumph invigorates and helps to heal the body, helps us to live with
the various ailments and chronic pain that are likely to besiege us as we
advance into our eighth and ninth decades.
But, we may ask, how to get in touch with that salubrious
flame? Many of us enter our sixties having lost touch with our essential being.
After decades pursuing careers, raising families, and investing our energy in
material accomplishments, we may have forgotten how to access that reservoir.
The psychic scar tissue of accumulated emotional and psychological wounds can
also block our access to our fresh inner spirit.
Happily, there are many avenues to explore that can help us
remove those obstacles. In addition to counseling, which can be of great value
during this transition, working with a life coach to redesign your life plan
can be of inestimable value. There are also many valued physical therapies that
unlock emotional pain that has been carried within the body. Releasing these
containers of dense energy may release physical pain as well as help us open to
the greater self that has lain buried all these years under old fears, negative
expectations, and dull ways of thinking about our lives.
Spiritual practice – meditation of various kinds, yoga, chi
gong and tai chi – is invaluable, both in physical rejuvenation and in freeing
the blocked spirit.
Sometimes life will trip us up, forcing us to delve deep
inside to liberate the buried self. It may be an illness, or a divorce,
something planned or completely unexpected, a change of career, a move to a new
place. These challenging and unpleasant circumstances may actually serve to
free us from old baggage and open new doorways to experiences we did not
realize were still available to us.
The opportunity for growth may arrive in dreary attire.
Depression is often the trigger that informs us that some kind of change is
needed. What is it we wanted from our lives that we forgot? Where did we leave
ourselves behind in favor of a job or a relationship that demanded we try to be
like someone else? What does this time of life required of us?
Finding the little light inside is very much the mission of
this time of life. We’ve come to a critical juncture; the choices we make here
may very well determine how we engage with the unique challenges of this last
act of our lives. Will these years be a time of stiff denial or straightforward
decline? Or, to use a concept advanced by Marc Freedman, can we turn this
cherished, extended time – this gift of age -- into an encore that brings together all the themes of our life in a
fine culmination?
We can’t avoid aging, but when we begin to view this time as
one of rich harvest and deep personal growth, we can live to be 100 without
becoming old.
Stephanie Hiller
is a writer and a life coach who helps people navigate this new territory of
extended lifetimes. She lives in Sonoma, California.
707 939-8272
